Passion

What do you really want to do? That's the question that keeps popping up in my life. In all honesty, I don't want to do anything. I want to sit on my couch and watch TV and be happy doing that. I want to cook and help people and I want to use my brain in some way that will stretch it but won't kill it. I want to like what I do even if it's hard. That's what I really want to do. But none of that is a real passion or direction. I want to stay in Madrid, but my grandparents are old and I don't keep in touch with them very well and I feel bad to be millions of miles away and not there helping them. I feel like if I choose pastries I'll loose out on science, I'm not sure I like science like that but it's prestigious and I like that and it seems like it would use my brain in a way making cakes wouldn't.

Should I try science again. To be honest I barely remember anything about it, I'd have to take a refresher course or study up real good at home. Did you like that? Real good. :) Anyway, I want to go to Korea, I really want to learn a language and not just sort of learn one. I want to be good at something. I want to be a mother, a great mother, the greatest one ever. I want to adopt a whole passel load of kids and I want everyone of them to feel as if they have all of my attention. I want to be rich, you have to be to have a passel load of kids.

The reason I'm like I am is because I've become lazy and you'll never get anywhere being lazy and I really don't know. I really feel like I've just coasted in life. I took the easy roads and now it's time to pay up and I'm empty. I've got nothing to give. I don't know anything. And sometimes I'm just too tired to change that. I'd rather hide in TV even though I'm bored out of my mind than do anything about my life. Because what am I to do? What if I fail? What if I succeed? I don't know which way to go? I'm asking Jesus, and Hopefully he'll provide a miracle, but I'm so afraid He'll say what you sow you reap. So then, I'll be getting nothing.

The honest to God truth is that whatever happens God will still be there, He'll be asking me to follow him and if I say yes, then I'll end up where I should be, but leaving is hard. It's so very hard to say I'm going.