Friday

So about today... When I don't sleep I become emotional. I have to stop and ask myself why do I feel teary, why is this bothering me when every other day I'm fine. Then I realize, oh, I haven't been getting very much sleep. So today I had lunch with some friends, my crush included. I like to think that I can enjoy a crush without making it a big deal and without anyone knowing who I didn't tell. But today I felt as if I acted a bit strange, not quite how I wanted to portray myself, and now I'm wondering how much I've given away. And I'm bothered that I'm so bothered about something so trivial. I think it's less the person and more what they represent. To be perfectly honest, I believe the truth is that I want a relationship more than I've been willing to admit. I want someone to love me.

Did you notice how I phrased that? Not someone to love, but someone to love me. But it's true, I need to be secure in their love for me before I can love them. That sounds bad, re-write. I desire to deeply care about someone and have it reciprocated. I truly would like to stop wondering if every boy I meet could be the one, and I want to stop pretending that I don't want an amazing storybook romance, because, I do.

And my body has it's own cravings. I know so taboo. But it does and so do I. LOOOL!!! Anyways, who I'm interested in is someone who wouldn't be interested in me. I am looking for maturity, love and care, self-assuredness, and someone who can't breathe without Christ in their lives. Just perfection :)

Honestly, I can take flaws, if you love me, I can take you not being who I thought you would be, if you love me, I just need him to love me. I'm not stating my case like I would like, I have standards and wishes, and desires. But most of all I want a friend who thinks I'm the best, for his own crazy reasons, but sees only me and wants only me and who challenges me to be who he sees that I'm capable of being and makes me want to be her too. Did that confuse you? Me too. But isn't that what everyone wants? Someone to see you as special and perfect. Someone to choose you over all the rest and say, you are what I want. You are what I need. You are what I'm going to have.

Okay, so sue me. I'm a romantic. I'm stupid and in need of help, but that's how I'm feeling this Friday night. :{