Friday

So about today... When I don't sleep I become emotional. I have to stop and ask myself why do I feel teary, why is this bothering me when every other day I'm fine. Then I realize, oh, I haven't been getting very much sleep. So today I had lunch with some friends, my crush included. I like to think that I can enjoy a crush without making it a big deal and without anyone knowing who I didn't tell. But today I felt as if I acted a bit strange, not quite how I wanted to portray myself, and now I'm wondering how much I've given away. And I'm bothered that I'm so bothered about something so trivial. I think it's less the person and more what they represent. To be perfectly honest, I believe the truth is that I want a relationship more than I've been willing to admit. I want someone to love me.

Did you notice how I phrased that? Not someone to love, but someone to love me. But it's true, I need to be secure in their love for me before I can love them. That sounds bad, re-write. I desire to deeply care about someone and have it reciprocated. I truly would like to stop wondering if every boy I meet could be the one, and I want to stop pretending that I don't want an amazing storybook romance, because, I do.

And my body has it's own cravings. I know so taboo. But it does and so do I. LOOOL!!! Anyways, who I'm interested in is someone who wouldn't be interested in me. I am looking for maturity, love and care, self-assuredness, and someone who can't breathe without Christ in their lives. Just perfection :)

Honestly, I can take flaws, if you love me, I can take you not being who I thought you would be, if you love me, I just need him to love me. I'm not stating my case like I would like, I have standards and wishes, and desires. But most of all I want a friend who thinks I'm the best, for his own crazy reasons, but sees only me and wants only me and who challenges me to be who he sees that I'm capable of being and makes me want to be her too. Did that confuse you? Me too. But isn't that what everyone wants? Someone to see you as special and perfect. Someone to choose you over all the rest and say, you are what I want. You are what I need. You are what I'm going to have.

Okay, so sue me. I'm a romantic. I'm stupid and in need of help, but that's how I'm feeling this Friday night. :{

Fringe

Did I ever mention that I'm a TV-holic. It's quite bad, I'll stop watching something just to get hooked back on something else. Right now it's Fringe. So I'm not saying it's the greatest show every, it's weird and crazy, but the end of this season has gotten interesting. And truth be told I love Joshua Jackson. I started watching the show because of him and I keep watching the show because of him. I want to marry him. I'm praying for his salvation, waiting for his breakup, and the opportune moment when I can come in and be that breathe of fresh air that will sweep him off his feet. You think I'm crazy don't you? Well, it's okay so does everyone else I know. But what you don't know is that it takes a bit of crazy to make the impossible possible. :)

Iglesia

So today I tried something new. Did something a little different. I went to church in Spanish. I had no idea what time it started so I got up early. But to my surprise when I arrived I was quite early. So, I decided to sit on a bench outside until it was time.

When time came, I stood up, walked across the street, through the gate, and into this new arena. I was not attacked or eaten by aliens, which is always a good sign. I was greeted by quite a few people, felt welcomed, good first signs. Then the preacher preached or as they call it these days he spoke.

He spoke on Ayuno, on fasting. I was quite impressed that I understood it all, but it was a very good message. Made me want to pray and think I really should fast. Fast from food, tv, everything distracting me in life. I left from that place pleased that I had gone, impressed that I could understand, and feeling as if God had spoken to me. It was a pleasant morning.

Concert

My friend had a concert tonight. We sat in a small dark room packed with all his friends. A room that grew hotter as the night progressed, but not unbearably so. It was all worth it because from the first note to the last chord they played some beautiful music. I guess you could describe it as indie/folk. It's easy listening, the kind with strange but haunting lyrics. I found myself melancholic, thinking about my life and what it all meant. I had a desire to pray for him to cover them. To pray that as they continue to grow in their talents that it would be just as good, but still humble not getting too high minded. Then I began to think who would be best suited to love a musician. Wouldn't it be someone like-minded someone who knew and understood their driving passion. Maybe not another lead singer, but someone who could come along side and sing harmony and know how to edit the other without destroying their sensitive hearts. I wondered about my own relationship, the most important one. Do I love God like that? How can I be so wrapped up in him like that? Can I still learn about music? About life and love?

I guess it was a good concert ,right? When it moves you, when it makes you stop and think, when it makes you want to buy it and listen to it over and over again. It was good, but now I'm sad and tired and left a little empty.

Passion

What do you really want to do? That's the question that keeps popping up in my life. In all honesty, I don't want to do anything. I want to sit on my couch and watch TV and be happy doing that. I want to cook and help people and I want to use my brain in some way that will stretch it but won't kill it. I want to like what I do even if it's hard. That's what I really want to do. But none of that is a real passion or direction. I want to stay in Madrid, but my grandparents are old and I don't keep in touch with them very well and I feel bad to be millions of miles away and not there helping them. I feel like if I choose pastries I'll loose out on science, I'm not sure I like science like that but it's prestigious and I like that and it seems like it would use my brain in a way making cakes wouldn't.

Should I try science again. To be honest I barely remember anything about it, I'd have to take a refresher course or study up real good at home. Did you like that? Real good. :) Anyway, I want to go to Korea, I really want to learn a language and not just sort of learn one. I want to be good at something. I want to be a mother, a great mother, the greatest one ever. I want to adopt a whole passel load of kids and I want everyone of them to feel as if they have all of my attention. I want to be rich, you have to be to have a passel load of kids.

The reason I'm like I am is because I've become lazy and you'll never get anywhere being lazy and I really don't know. I really feel like I've just coasted in life. I took the easy roads and now it's time to pay up and I'm empty. I've got nothing to give. I don't know anything. And sometimes I'm just too tired to change that. I'd rather hide in TV even though I'm bored out of my mind than do anything about my life. Because what am I to do? What if I fail? What if I succeed? I don't know which way to go? I'm asking Jesus, and Hopefully he'll provide a miracle, but I'm so afraid He'll say what you sow you reap. So then, I'll be getting nothing.

The honest to God truth is that whatever happens God will still be there, He'll be asking me to follow him and if I say yes, then I'll end up where I should be, but leaving is hard. It's so very hard to say I'm going.

Pensamientos

I have nothing earth shattering to share with you today. I'm sad, but it's not a new feeling. I'm thinking of leaving Madrid. In my current job situation I don't feel fulfilled and I don't think that will change staying here. But I've built a life here, I have friends, people who love me and who I really love in return. I understand how this city operates and what I don't get I know who to call to find the answer. But in a little while these friends will leave new ones will come and I'll be left with the same doubts. So maybe this time, I'll leave. I will go on an unknown adventure, to find out what it is I am really capable of in this life. And when I'm ready maybe I can come back. And Madrid like an old friend will take my face in her hands and lovingly kiss each cheek welcoming me back. But first I have to leave.

Sooooo, I have a crush. It's silly. He's not my type (by that I mean he's not interested), but seriously he isn't my type. He's sweet and wonderful, but I don't think we're meant to be together or anything. But even with all this information my feelings persist. I don't understand it. I wish I could just be one of those people who willed myself to feel a certain way. Against all reason and just plain ole good sense I have this crush. I don't like it but I don't think there's much I can do. So I'll try not to let it consume my time and hope it doesn't hold out much longer. Maybe I should starve it of seeing the person then it would stop. I'll let you know how it goes. I don't hold out much hope. :)

On the Metro

I was on the Metro a couple months back and a busker got on the train. He played his piece, collected his money, and stood waiting at the door for the next stop. And as he waited I started thinking. You see, I live in Madrid and there are quite a few buskers here. If you live in any major city I'm sure you experience the same thing. If you have a routine you may even see the same ones everyday on your route. I have to say the Madrid metro buskers aren't all that good. When you here a good one your ears perk up and you are quite suprised, maybe even willing to pull a few coins out here or there. Most buskers sing for 1 1/2 stops. In the midst of traveling to the second stop they will pull out their coin purse and ask for a "donation". By the time they are finished going through the car it's time for them to hop on the next car. On this particular day this busker didn't calculate his time so precisely. So once he collected his sums he still had a few minutes before the metro car came to its stop. I'm sure this had happend before, I'm sure I had seen it before but for the life of me I couldn't remember a time I had actually noticed this before. It seemed strange and made me pensive. This man had had the guts to get on a train sing in front of a hostile or rather apathetic audience and now he had to stand and wait for the doors to open before he could escape. Was he embarresed? Did he even care? Was this his full time job? What did he think about in those few moments before the metro doors open? Did he think about making it onto the next car? About how much he needs to make to buy his dinner? As he stood there I kept wondering what that moment meant to him, if anything at all. Then the doors opened, he stepped out and the moment was gone.