Loss

I lost a friend today.  It's heartbreaking really.  He was my best friend for a long time.  We understood each other and we loved each other but today he's gone.  He is no longer mine.  I can no longer pick up the phone and call him, I can no longer see him and play with his beard.  He is gone.  We've been fighting.  I didn't know how to talk to him so I fought with him.  It kind of drove him away.  I wanted something that just wasn't there.  I wanted something I couldn't have and I got sad when I realized it just wasn't possible.  He's gone.  What we were is gone.  I've learned something.  I've experienced something.  I've broken something.  It hurts.  But hopefully, there is life beyond the grave.  Hopefully, a resurrection will occur.  Until then, I'll patch the incision where he was cut out of my heart.  I'll move forward, ever closer to the future I was meant to have.  And I'll hope to see him there. 

Decision

So you remember that guy I was talking about?  Yeah, me too.  I made a decision.  I decided not to date him. 
          I think I had known that for a while, but I couldn't quite let go.  Yesterday I went to service and went to lunch with a friend and somehow I knew I couldn't date him in the spiritual condition he's in.  I am in love with him. How much more would it hurt to say no to this six months from now?  Or would I even have the strength or will to do it? 
                    So, I said no.  I feel okay about it.  God told me their is peace with obedience and He's given me peace.  Maybe he'll get saved and it will work out, maybe he won't, but I have to let go.
          What a sadly happy occasion.  Letting go to grab hold of a whole different sort of future.  Well hold on to your hats kids, it's going to be a bumpy ride! :)

Mash Up

I feel like I might be a bit schizophrenic in this post, bear with me. 
I currently have a boyfriend :) 
             Well, to be more accurate a boy who wants to be my boyfriend, who I am not sure should be.  What's the problem you ask?  Well, he is not saved. 
                   Why are you dating him then?  Well, because he was my first love and I've missed him.  

So you see my conundrum.  I really like him, but I'm not sure I should date him.  I felt like God was saying I needed to give it up and I did, for a couple of days:}.  Then I somehow made it back to where I had just left. 
                I love him and I love HIM.  God always wins, of course.  But is He saying give him up or just make sure you don't loose focus on me.  (I was loosing focus.)  I don't know.  Or maybe I don't want to know. 

              But, I've got to take the blinders off so I can move on.  One way or the other.  I've got to make progress. Otherwise I'm going to drown.  What do you think?   What would you do? 

The Problem

I've grown up in a Christian Home for all of my life, but I am just now really attempting to find God.  I have had an up and down experience with God I'm saved then I'm not.  Or I'm saved and then sin enters and it breaks up all the ground I had just cleared.  I don't believe that once you are saved you are always saved. For many of you that may seem strange.  I simply believe that a Christian is one who follows Christ and if you aren't following Him you aren't a Christian.  Simple and complex all at the same time.  I have a pattern with God.  Me and Him we do okay then he asks for something for a deeper relationship with me and that freaks me out.  I decide to try but then I can't follow through so now I'm drifting disobeying and disobedience leads to sin.  Then I'm sorry and I don't want to leave God so I apologize and determine to do better the next time.  But the next time is like the time before and the time before that.  God has been patient and kind with me, but every time I choose to disobey, to sin, I make it harder for myself to obey the next time.  So I'm on a fast to discover God and his mission for my life.  I'm determined 2012 won't be like every other year.  He saved me for greater things and I have to figure out what those are.  Pray my strength, as they say.  :)

Long Gone Missing

My, O, My!  I haven't been on my blog in forever.  I just returned to look around.  I had forgotten that I had changed the design.  I like it.  I like how I write.  Do you like my modesty?  No one really knows this blog exists.  It's open to the public so technically, anyone can read it, but no one does.  So it's like it's my open secret. The best place to hide is in plain view, I got that from La Femme Nikita (the show not the movie).  It's 2011. Isn't that amazing?  I can't believe it.  It's my ten year High School reunion this year.  I just got a facebook invite.  I can't believe I'm that old.  I can't believe it's been ten years.  What am I going to wear?? :)  Well, I'm being called away but I'll be back to visit you all very soon.  I feel a call to write again.  See you soon?

Friday

So about today... When I don't sleep I become emotional. I have to stop and ask myself why do I feel teary, why is this bothering me when every other day I'm fine. Then I realize, oh, I haven't been getting very much sleep. So today I had lunch with some friends, my crush included. I like to think that I can enjoy a crush without making it a big deal and without anyone knowing who I didn't tell. But today I felt as if I acted a bit strange, not quite how I wanted to portray myself, and now I'm wondering how much I've given away. And I'm bothered that I'm so bothered about something so trivial. I think it's less the person and more what they represent. To be perfectly honest, I believe the truth is that I want a relationship more than I've been willing to admit. I want someone to love me.

Did you notice how I phrased that? Not someone to love, but someone to love me. But it's true, I need to be secure in their love for me before I can love them. That sounds bad, re-write. I desire to deeply care about someone and have it reciprocated. I truly would like to stop wondering if every boy I meet could be the one, and I want to stop pretending that I don't want an amazing storybook romance, because, I do.

And my body has it's own cravings. I know so taboo. But it does and so do I. LOOOL!!! Anyways, who I'm interested in is someone who wouldn't be interested in me. I am looking for maturity, love and care, self-assuredness, and someone who can't breathe without Christ in their lives. Just perfection :)

Honestly, I can take flaws, if you love me, I can take you not being who I thought you would be, if you love me, I just need him to love me. I'm not stating my case like I would like, I have standards and wishes, and desires. But most of all I want a friend who thinks I'm the best, for his own crazy reasons, but sees only me and wants only me and who challenges me to be who he sees that I'm capable of being and makes me want to be her too. Did that confuse you? Me too. But isn't that what everyone wants? Someone to see you as special and perfect. Someone to choose you over all the rest and say, you are what I want. You are what I need. You are what I'm going to have.

Okay, so sue me. I'm a romantic. I'm stupid and in need of help, but that's how I'm feeling this Friday night. :{

Fringe

Did I ever mention that I'm a TV-holic. It's quite bad, I'll stop watching something just to get hooked back on something else. Right now it's Fringe. So I'm not saying it's the greatest show every, it's weird and crazy, but the end of this season has gotten interesting. And truth be told I love Joshua Jackson. I started watching the show because of him and I keep watching the show because of him. I want to marry him. I'm praying for his salvation, waiting for his breakup, and the opportune moment when I can come in and be that breathe of fresh air that will sweep him off his feet. You think I'm crazy don't you? Well, it's okay so does everyone else I know. But what you don't know is that it takes a bit of crazy to make the impossible possible. :)